What It Means to Be Human: Acceptance
From the time children begin to understand the world around them, they notice the actions of people they interact with regularly. Very little escapes them as they witness the relationships and their dynamics; from the love and affection displayed by their parents toward each other to the animosity towards a not-so-liked relative who always seems to cause chaos at family gatherings, yes, that drunk Uncle Tom who always seems to say the most off putting statements. They learn to identify whose presence brings joy and whose presence brings discomfort. This is their first experience with how humans associate with each other; the acceptance accorded to each individual. From the expressions displayed by the involved parties in these interactions, they learn what it means to be accepted along with the happiness and comfort that feeling is accompanied by.
We cannot underestimate how much of a confidence booster acceptance is to an individual. Especially children who have a very narrow understanding of the traits that may differentiate people. They perceive other children (or people at large) to be the same; like those adorable videos of children of different races excitedly running towards each other and fondly embracing one another. Only until they begin to learn of society’s divides regarding race, class, beliefs, etc., is where acceptance becomes a treasured thing. As children notice their peers enjoying a certain activity, they want to be a part of it. When they can’t be accepted into that group, that feeling of rejection is enough to plant the idea that there is something wrong with them. Let’s face it, sometimes, kids can be mean without considering the consequences of their words or actions towards another. My personal experience saw me engaging in sports that didn’t excite me just so I could relate, be accepted, and have peers I’d call friends. In hindsight, I can’t help but imagine the disservice I did myself even when I knew that my interests were more artistic than in physical activity. And being a part of that group did not stop them from picking on me from time to time, which eventually helped me develop tough skin; that is a story for another blog post. Today, I cannot trace any of those friends, naturally, they vanished as I decided to be honest with who I was and what I wanted for myself.
In the movies we watch, we see teens going out of their way just to please those they wish to be associated with, those are not exaggerated scenarios. Everyone wants to be affiliated with a certain group they admire. The need to be accepted has the power to drive one into desperation. It is important for adult figures in a child’s life to keep tabs on the interpersonal relationships the child has with their peers at school, in the neighborhood, various activity clubs, etc. Honest conversations with children will reveal the hurdles they might be facing in connecting with like-minded peers. But sometimes, they might be drawn to the wrong crowd. This crowd will have them participate in bullying, catcalling, vandalism, theft, disrespectful language, segregation towards different people, and many other vices. These may be the popular kids, and a child might desperately want to be a part of them. Instilling the right values in a child at an early stage helps them appreciate their importance. Now, this should not only be through the talks you have with children, you must embody the teachings. The traits that children tend to absorb come from what they see regularly. The words your utter and the actions you display are going to be the template the children follow. This is the version they will emulate and build within themselves. And when it comes to making friends, their moral compass will gravitate towards those who display similar traits; they have accepted their true nature of being a well-mannered individual and will only feel comfortable among like-minded peers.
“When people are not accepting toward themselves, they are often obsessed with the acceptance of others.”
-Nathaniel Branden-
Acceptance is a much easier matter when dealing with younger people, they are still learning about themselves and they tend to be more adaptable to new scenarios. Adults, however, have a much rigid response to changes around them. As an adult, you know who you are, what you like, what you can tolerate; you know what is acceptable and what isn’t. At this point, we have forged solid relationships with friends, family, and acquaintances. However, new spaces are inescapable. The day you start a new job, join a gym, move to a new neighborhood; affiliating with the people in the new space is going to be a subconscious need. Even when most have mastered the art of being a loner, there is always going to be a voice at the back of one’s mind wondering why you are not a part of your fellow employees’ Thursday night drinks, conversations about Friday plans for the weekend or even popular movie franchise conversations that, deep inside you know, you love to talk about.
It is not unnatural to feel left out. Humans are, by nature, creatures that seek association. But sometimes, we hinder ourselves from such opportunities because we do not accept ourselves either. We are in constant conflict with ourselves over what we want to rally behind; what we want to champion for. You eventually appear unapproachable. People will try to include you in their activities, but because you can’t place a finger on who you are exactly, the façade you put up will eventually crumble, leaving you lost and everyone else puzzled as to what more they can do to make you feel part of the team. The best you can do is take some time off, take a walk away from the distractions of everyday life. Begin searching within yourself what exactly you want to be, the personality you want to bring out of yourself. Nobody can tell you who you are, you know best based on the food, music, movies, books, activities, etc. you find yourself being naturally drawn to. In the words of Nathaniel Branden (Canadian-American Psychotherapist), “When people are not accepting toward themselves, they are often obsessed with the acceptance of others”. Begin to accept yourself for who you are, that’s the foundation of finding your place in every space you find yourself in. Seeking the approval of others just so you can accept yourself will oftentimes lead to self-destructive habits. The only way to build a healthy dose of self-esteem is to love and accept who you are. It is more fulfilling to self when you know that those who have embraced you for who you are and not some façade you have carefully put up.
